Are You a Married Mom Who Feels Like a Single Mom?

March 22, 2011 at 7:00 am 5 comments

Guest Post from our friends at:

Are you a “FLASM“? In other words, you are a married woman who Feels Like a Single Mom.

(And, of course, our FLASD brothers: married guys who Feel Like a Single Dad are welcome, too.)

One of my dearest friends is a FLASM. When we first met (at the playground, where else?) she quickly confided that she felt like a single mom.

I glanced down at her enormous diamond ring … okay, whatever. Was she kidding?

As our friendship grew, however, I found out that her husband was emotionally unavailable. Sure, he was physically present every night at home — but that’s as far as he went.

She’d quickly adopted many of my single mom survival strategies despite the obvious fact that she had another adult upon whom to depend. Or did she? Because whenever a  big or small crisis struck, the burden was always on her.

If my friend’s life story is personally familiar to you — let us know! Of course, you’ll feel this way when your husband or partner simply isn’t home. Some dads are reluctant “road warriors” who must travel constantly for business. Some couples are living in separate cities unable to find jobs in the same area.

Who can afford to say “no” these days?  Any man who works on an oil rig, a remote construction site, or any job far from home leaves behind a FLASM wife. For moms whose partners are police officers or fire fighters FLASM is part of “the job.” 

We welcome especially everyone whose “other parent” is serving in the military. Lots of men FLASD while the moms are keeping the rest of us safe.  We honor your service. And, recognize the difficulties your commitments create for you and your kids.

Lurking FLASM sisters (and FLSD brothers) . . . please introduce yourselves.

Single moms and dads, please tell  us: Can anyone with a partner truly feel like a single parent?


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5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Kate Hayes  |  March 28, 2011 at 8:51 am

    Absolutely…a married person can feel like and BE a single parent. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that your partner is there, either physically or emotionally. I was in this boat with my first husband, and it was awful. He was always gone for “work,” had no interest in parenting, and I never depended on him for any kind of help with our daughter. I only went grocery shopping ONCE by myself from the time she was born until we divorced when she was 18 months old…an event I remember clearly because he never watched her by himself. Once when she was burning up with fever and I was afraid to take her out to buy Tylenol, I called him at work and he was too busy to help me. Then…one of his COWORKERS found out what was going on and made a trip to the store for everything I needed. How sad is that?

    Thank God my ex fell in love with a coworker and demanded a divorce, and I started seeing my current husband not long after. The difference between the two relationships is like night and day. I never imagined how wonderful it could be to have an equal parenting partner who treasured all the little moments that make raising children so rewarding as much as I did. He has been there for my daughter from day one, and now for our son as well.

    I feel sorry for anyone who is in a relationship like my first marriage. The worst part is that my ex was a respected member of the community. I think many FLASMs struggle more than actual single moms because people think they have it “made,” and have no idea what they are really dealing with at home.

  • 2. Ruth Hill  |  March 26, 2011 at 11:32 am

    I was a married woman for 10 years, but I spent most of the time feeling like a single person. My ex didn’t like to do things with me, and he has his own issues. I am a single mom now, and I am happier without him. It is easier being a single parent rather than feeling single while married!

  • 3. Jaime Anderson  |  March 25, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    oh my gosh yes. Married people can absolutely feel like a single parent if one partner is detached, uninvolved, absent or not pulling their share. It’s sad when this happens. Marriage brings many benefits and one of them is supposed to be having someone to share your life with, including the good and the bad of parenting. To anyone who is married but feels single, I wish you all the best of love and strength. It can be a lonely place, but you will get through it.

  • 4. Teresa  |  March 22, 2011 at 11:28 am

    When I was married and things were rough with us, I totally believed that what I was dealing with felt like being a single mom. Six months later (the kids were 1 and 6), we split and he’s had nothing to do with us since.

    I very distinctly the moment when I realized that this experience of being the one and only person doing absolutely everything for my children–emotionally, physically, financially–was absolutely nothing like what I’d been through.

    Doing the bulk of the parenting while in a marriage (especially if you are not working full-time) is difficult, sure. I remember those times. But it is nothing like day-in, day-out, year after year solo parenting.

  • 5. Whit.  |  March 22, 2011 at 11:06 am

    Delurking as a FLASM. Even though the spouse and I currently live in separate houses due to school/work situations (or so we say) it’s always been this way. With both of our children combined, he’s changed less than 10 diapers. All the cooking, cleaning, and parenting is my job, which I’ve adapted to. When my oldest was 1, I worked a weird schedule where I went in at 4am and was off at noon. Some nights I’d go to bed before the baby, and he’d wake me up to change their diapers and put them to sleep. But by far, the worst part is the loneliness. I know single moms and dads have it tough, but sometimes I think that would be easier. At least I’d be free…


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